I have a good solution to the clergy abuse scandal rocking your church.
Give them professional level sexual satisfaction for free.
It wouldn’t have to be a big deal, just hire a few monastic courtesans, skilled in the art of priestly fulfillment. You would only need one for every 20 or so priests, along with a nice little “confessional” complete with glory hole.
You could create a liturgy for the sessions and it could begin something like this:
“Release me Sister for I am tense. It has been four days since my last emanation.”
Sister Candi could then assign the proper penance.
I’ve even thought through the financial aspects of this.
The Great Cincinnati Archdiocese alone just paid a $120 million settlement to abuse victims. Since there are about 500 priests in the Cincinnati area, that works out to $240,000 per priest.
Ouch! Hope those relics do well at Christy’s.
My solution would be much more economical—25 or so “servants” at $50,000 per year each would only take up $1.25 million per year—less than the interest on the $120 mil you just forked over.
Consider how much this would help the church.
I’m sure you will have some argue this is sin. Well, isn’t that why you invented the indulgence? You’ve got the power, use it! You’re the guy with the scepter.
Or you could try a second option:
JUST LET PRIESTS GET MARRIED.
The choice is yours, O Vicar of Christ.