The Miracle of the Ice Cream Cake

[If you haven't done so already, please read this introduction to give you some background for this account: http://whorechurch.blogspot.com/2006/12/do-you-know-mumble-man.html ]

During the time I was trusting God to provide all of our needs, we consistently had enough food, rent money, utilities, gas for our car. But we didn’t have any extras. Like pretty much everyone else is the US, we were used to occasional “treats”—a night out, a dessert, etc.

After a while you miss those things.

One morning as I was praying I was impressed with the idea of God speaking to me asking “what kind of treat would you like?” It seemed silly that God would ask anyone such a question, but I answered anyway.

“I would LOVE a piece of Dairy Queen ice cream cake.” I really enjoy ice cream cake—when it’s my birthday my wife always gets me one.

“Is that all? Do you want anything with it?”

“You know what would be cool? If it came with hot fudge to put on top of it.”

While I noted the exchange in my journal, I figured I was just being nuts. Surely God had bigger things to do than provide me with ice cream cake with fudge topping. I was a little embarrassed to have prayed such a prayer, and I didn’t tell anyone.

I didn’t give it much thought throughout the day.

Later that evening we were going to have some friends over for dinner (we had scored a beef brisket.) When they arrived they brought with them half a Dairy Queen ice cream cake and a jar of hot fudge.

I didn’t “need” the cake. I didn’t “need” the topping. The combination was not only tasty, but reminded me of God’s very specific care for me.

As I think about this I see several possibilities:

1. It was just a wild coincidence. Improbable, but possible.

2. I really did hear this from the Christian God and God answered my prayer.

3. There is some sort of psychic/spiritual/common consciousness that allowed me to “know” this couple was going to bring the cake and hot fudge.

4. I’m nuts.

5. I’m lying.

I think had I not written this down in my journal 12 hours ahead of time or if I had not shown it to my wife as soon as our guests left, I might think I was nuts. The written record seems to demonstrate otherwise.

My wife was also there to witness the event so she knows I am not lying.

I think it's tough to explain this kind of thing as other than a supernatural event--especially since it was not simply an isolated coincidence but a regular occurance. I will document more later.

Do You Know the Mumble Man?

The day I got fired was a Wednesday.

I had been working at an investment firm while doing unpaid ministry. Mostly visiting elderly shut-ins in the mid-town projects. It was satisfying and soul enriching for me; I can’t speak for them.

Getting fired was a “good news/bad news” experience. I hated the job and it was providing only a meager income, but it was providing a meager income.

Wednesday my wife and I went to Wayne’s World (it was at the $1 theater) and decided, Tara-like, to think about my job tomorrow.

Thursday morning I got up at my over-early customary 4:30am and began my daily devotions. It would be helpful at this point to tell you just a little about my devotional routine.

Being an ADHD poster child, the pious image of kneeling at bedside on camel-like saint knees doesn’t work for me. Instead, I pray as I walk. Back in the early 80’s I learned to put the people I wanted to pray for on index cards and thumb through the cards praying out-loud as I went.

There are few up and around at 4:30am, but those who saw me must have wondered at the strange man wandering around the neighborhood before sun up, talking to himself. I’m sure some of my unknown neighbors referred to me as “Mumbling Guy” or other similar moniker.

After walking each day for an hour or so, I would return to our rented condo to spend time in worship. The laundry was at the opposite end from the bedrooms so I could play my guitar and sing without waking anyone.

Once I had completed some time in worship I would do some Bible study, ending the daily ritual.
This Thursday I prayed for a job. We didn’t have any money and I needed to get to work right away if we were going to survive—two boys under the age of 5 don’t understand not having food to eat.

This Thursday, during worship, I had a distinct impression. I didn’t hear a voice; I wasn’t bombarded by a shaft of light. But suddenly it was as if someone instantly communicated and understanding into my brain. It was like reading a paragraph and grasping its meaning in a tiny fraction of a second.

“God will provide you with a job, just wait on him. He will take care of all your needs just as he did with Elijah.”

I would like to tell you I responded with faith-inspired confidence, knowing my God would provide. I would like to tell you I was moved to tears as I wondered at the awesome love of God.

The truth was I was scared. A part of me knew I would obey this impression, but I also knew I would have to explain to my wife why I wasn’t out beating the bushes. While it wasn’t the first time I believed I heard a message from God, this time it had an impact on my family, not just me.

When I talked to my wife she was pretty calm about the whole thing. We decided to wait until Monday and see what happened. We also agreed to not tell anyone I had been fired or that we had no money.

Friday at 8am I got a call from Donnie. He was a friend from church and worked as a painting contractor. He was short handed and wondered if I could work for him for a day.

This lifted my spirits and faith. I put on my best worst set of clothes—jeans with holes, just not in the naughty parts and my old Garfield sweatshirt.

I typically think too far ahead. As I painted that day I kept imagining my life as a painter. I figured this must be the “God Job” I was supposed to be doing. Sure I was either too slow or too sloppy, and at one point I tracked paint through a living room carpet, but God had told me he would find me a job and now I had one.

At the end of the day we stood by Donnie’s speckled work van and he gave me my “cut”—7 hours at $5 per hour. Yeah, diapers and formula for the weekend!

Then he told me “thanks, we really needed you today. If I need you again I’ll let you know.” Only then did I understand he didn’t give me a Job, just a job.

I went back to the condo, taking this one-day job as a possible sign of God’s provision and hoping I would get a call by Monday offering me a “real” job.

It was a miserable weekend for me, filled with anxiety, hoping somehow God was going to move someone to offer me the perfect job. But no job came. Monday morning, however, did come.

My wife was still asleep as I wrestled with God, the laundry room becoming my own Peniel.

The more I prayed, the more I was convinced I was to wait on God to send me a job. He promised to pay all of our bills, provide all of our needs.

I gave God three parameters.

First, I wasn’t going to ask for money from anyone or even tell anyone we had a need. The only person I was going to ask for help was him.

Second, I wasn’t going to get on any type of charity program—if this was his idea and if he is God, he can take care of our needs.

Third, I wasn’t going to have my wife be responsible for “praying in” our food, utility money, etc. She could come to me when she needed something and I would worry about how to get it.

When my wife awoke I told her of my conviction and she was reluctantly willing to give it a try.

At the time I was still thinking short-term unemployment. A week, maybe two. Little did I know it would be 8 months.

How to Evaluate a Personal “Supernatural” Experience

Before I share some of the supposed “supernatural” experiences I’ve had, I thought it might be good to think through how experiences can be evaluated.

When I relate an experience, there are several possible understandings:

1. It is truly a supernatural experience.
2. It is coincidence/natural process which I misinterpreted
3. I’m lying
4. I’m deceived (either by my own psychosis, my unintentional superimposing after the fact some details that weren’t really present or by other’s intentional plan)

I think that pretty much covers the possibilities, but if there are others feel free to let me know.

Facts and Faith

I have been spending some time the last few months over at AntiEvolution.org and the After the Bar Closes forum.

While there I have learned all sorts of things about the Theory of Evolution and the hard science behind it. But it's not a place for Chrsitians who are faint of heart--learning that Intelligent Design and "Darwin's Black Box" are not scientifically supported runs contrary to what evangelicals have believed since the mid-90's.

It has caused me to review my reasons for my own personal faith and see if they still hold water. So far I have been able to bring my faith in line with fact.

But I have noticed a disturbing trend: On this topic most people are doing just the opposite...changing "facts" to line up with their faith.

Over the coming weeks I will be posting some of the reasons for my faith. Feel free to comment and check out my logic.

Is it time to Stop Preaching?

Man, that’s a provocative title if I ever wrote one. (And I’ve written more than a few.)

I was reading this article about how one preacher has taken his message into bars/clubs. On one level it makes perfect sense to me—Jesus hung out with drunkards and prostitutes and I’m a big fan of bars. But it made me consider how this really works.

It starts out like a bad joke: “This priest goes into a bar…”

I suspect if Jesus were in human form walking around today he would spend a good deal of time at places where people congregate. Regular people. People who are sometimes struggling or almost always struggling. That means bars, shopping malls, restaurants.

But I don’t know how much he would preach.

At least not with the same “3 points and a joke” Baptist template. Let me illustrate.

When Paul wanted to reach “pre-Christians” (that’s the politically correct current term), he went into the synagogue on the Sabbath and reasoned with them. Let that sink in…he went into the synagogue, got out the Torah and attempted to convince them Jesus was the Messiah.

The guy had some brass ones. I see why maybe they stoned him.

Would we attempt such a socially insensitive approach today? Certainly not. Heck, this week Jews for Jesus got maligned for simply telling Jews outside the synagogue they can be both Jewish and Christian.

We have accepted societal changes have brought changes in our methodology of evangelism. (Though we still haven’t figured out good ways to reach Jews.)

So, back to preaching.

How are people introduced to new ideas today? I mean, when you look at Joe and Josephine Six Pack, where do they find answers when they have questions?

One medium they turn to is television. Sure, there are sitcoms, but there are now tons of programs dealing with everything from archeology to space exploration. Many times these programs have significant implications from a Biblical viewpoint.

Another source of information for J & J is the internet. How can I cope with and help my teenager who’s struggling with a drug problem? How can I restore romance to my loveless marriage? What’s the cheapest local price on gas for my SUV?

Fiction is also a place people love to pursue answers. The Da Vinci Code was a run away fiction best seller worldwide. The movie, not so much.

The internet is wide open: Christians have barely begun to understand how ideas—meaningful ideas—are communicated via this medium. More than the forum at Athens, this is the place where ideas are exposed and debated.

The most important place we often go is to our friends. Real friends, people who have demonstrated over the long haul they care about us. We know they love us. We know they don’t have some hidden agenda.

Joe and his lovely bride are not likely to go see the latest lectures on the travels of Paul. Nascar is on. They may, however, invite you over to watch the race on their widescreen—and if you pitch in they’ll do the pay-per-view in car cam.

I wonder if we spent more time at the bar just talking, just being human, if we wouldn’t have more of an impact than preaching. I wonder if we participated in the world as humans and let others see we’re slightly different because of our love of Jesus, if we wouldn’t have to preach so much.

Maybe our witness is stronger when we are polite to a waitress who’s having a bad day than when we leave a tract with our 5% tip (after all, the fries were cold.)

Maybe having the Icthus on our heart will be a much better expression of faith than an ichthus on our car.

The Secret Lives of Preachers

There is a festering boil on your minister’s butt.

Give yourself a second to let that image sink in…your minister, bending over, pants around ankles, butt exposed, red, drippy, pussy boil staring at you like a cycloptic eye.

(If you’re Catholic you won’t have to imagine, just remember Father McFeelme when you were a boy. Ahhh…that’s it.)

The recent infamous murder of a Church of Christ minister in Selmer, Tennessee by his wife is simply a caricature for the reality going on in most ministry homes today. It’s an exaggerated expression of what most ministry families feel every day.

In court documents this week Mary Winkler described the emotions and events leading up to the murder. This account was recorded at CNN.com:

“She told police she had an ‘uneasy feeling’ after she put her children to bed March 21 and her husband ‘started ranting about problems he was having and personal feelings about the church administration.’”

So, she blew a crater in his back with a shot gun.

But what does this have to do with your minister? (Remember, he’s the guy with a pussy bump on his posterior.)

When we hire ministers today, we have high expectations. More than high. We expect them to be perfect.

Before you differ, let me ask you…

What would you do if you found out your minister lost his temper and cussed out a ref at a high school basketball game?

How would you respond to him if his 15 year old daughter got pregnant?

What emotions would it stir up in you if you found out his wife was a chain smoker or his son had a Mohawk and sang in a punk band?

Now how would your response be different if we weren’t talking about your minister but were instead talking about someone you work with?

Yeah, I know.

It would take a race of highly developed super-humans to live the expected lifestyle. Perfect faith, perfect family, perfect finances, perfect dispositions, perfect words, perfect dress.

What’s the result of these unrealistic expectations? Fear.

The average minister is in constant fear of rejection from his congregation. What if no one comes to the service? What if they don’t like my sermon? What if someone finds out that my finances are in a shambles? What happens if someone opens that cabinet and finds my Seagram’s?

It’s a ton of pressure. 24/7/365. While some ministers in huge churches get their share of privacy and down time, the reality faced by most is no days off, no real relationships, constant scrutiny by the whole community.

As a result of this constant pressure, ministers often pressure their families to be perfect as well. Over time that pressure can build to an overwhelming load, tearing families apart. Spouses leave. Children rebel.

All the time the church clucks its collective tongue and wags its enormous head.

“Too bad about Pastor Smith.”

“Yeah, who knew he was having so many problems at home.”

“Can’t really blame the church for letting him go—after all, you can’t have someone with those problems at home in the pulpit.”

And the puss continues to seep.

I’m Sorry for the Gaping Hole in Your Back

“I’m sorry.”

It’s the reply you would often hear for accidentally stepping on your friend’s foot, spilling wine on your neighbor’s rug, releasing an unplanned angry diatribe.

“I’m sorry.”

I’ve said it many times. More than often. I said it when I last argued with my wife. I said it when I opened the door to an occupied bathroom stall. I said it at my friend’s when I accidentally dropped his prized snoopy coffee mug and broke off the handle.

“I’m sorry.”

We all have said we’re sorry. Sometimes for little things; sometimes for big things. We say we’re sorry because deep in our psyche we believe if we FEEL badly for something we did we somehow deserve a greater level of forgiveness for doing that thing. It’s our emotional get out of jail free card.

We want the offended party to extend grace to us.

Often they do.

Sometimes, however, sorry just doesn’t cut it. Like in the case of Mary Carol Winkler.

You remember her, right? She’s the Church of Christ preacher’s wife who loved her husband to death.

This past week she was arraigned. She asked for bail. She wants out. As part of her pleadings her statement to police was read. She said that after she shot her sleeping husband in the back, instantly severing his spine, obliterating his stomach and leaving his shredded internal organs to soak into the sheets, she told him those two magic words “I’m sorry.”

Yes, Mary, you are sorry.

Demon Television - A Note to the Bigots

Anti-television fanatics are poopy-heads.

Yeah, you heard me right, they’re poopy-heads. Not only that, they’re doo-doo brains. (And you can quote me on that.)

For some 3 dozen years there has been a secret, yet consistent war on television and I think it’s time to bring the fight out in the open. To reveal the secret agenda of the bookish-right who seek to keep us from our precious, desperate housewives; the exuberant joy and gut-wrenching despair of our American idols. The bibliophiliacs who seek to replace our perky Katy Couric with the dull headlines of a New York Times.

Their argument goes something like this: Books contain understanding, dispensed from the nimble wise minds of The Greats, lovingly placed between two hard covers (paperbacks are for ninnies) for our enlightenment.

After all, where would society be without Steinbeck’s angry grapes, Hemingway’s desperate attempts to prove his manhood, Mailer’s singing death dealer?

But that’s the problem: TV hating book lovers are bigots. Bigots of the lowest order. Just like a white man who judges all blacks by the actions of a few despicable criminals, so these book bigots assume television is just a variation on The O.C.

Of course, that’s not the case. In one evening we have a choice of watching hundreds of television programs. Some are bland, mindless banter. Some are the basest form of humor and licentiousness. Many are thoughtful, entertaining and informative.

We are all drawn to what appeals to us—some read “Gone with The Wind” because they lack the social skills to have real relationships. They live vicariously through Scarlett and her affairs. Others watch “Ancient Mysteries” on the Discovery channel to learn the intricacies of Etruscan architecture.

The message, not the medium, determines the value.

I have a friend who has a “designated reading time” with his family every evening. From 7pm until 9pm each evening he gathers with his teenagers and their books in the living room and silently reads. He calls this “family time.”

Yet, surprisingly, his children still seem distant and unresponsive to him. How can that be? He has HOURS of family time each week, right?

Contrast that with my own experience…
Three or four evenings a week, my wife, teenage son and I watch television together. We are far from quiet. We laugh. We discuss what we are watching. We mute the television on the commercials and share about our day. Sometimes we watch The Simpsons, sometimes we watch the Discovery Channel, sometimes we watch American Idol.

But here’s the thing…WE watch. WE talk. WE share. WE get to know one another better.

I’m confident that if Gutenberg had printed a Harlequin rather than a Bible, and if the first television programs had been “Travels with St. Paul,” these same knee-jerk bigots would probably be decrying the book as the depository for the basest of humanity.

One more thing…

Most of these people have televisions. They watch television—probably some every day. Why would they think the majority of television is mindless drivel? Unless, that is, the only thing that appeals to them is the mindless stuff.

Maybe that’s the reality they fear most of all. Poopy-heads.

Proud Wanker in Australia Writes In

Dave **** <****@idl.net.au>

Today Dave from Australia emails:


Hi!

I have read all of your articles on the Ezine list, and I was impressed. I
don't have the same sarcastic style as you, but I think we may have both
dealt with some of the same issues. I'll paste one of my longer articles
below... just for your interest (though a compliment would do wonders for my
ego).

"Wanking" by the way is Australian slang for masturbation.

Love and peace,

Dave


He then included a lengthy article on why he loves to
polish his chrome. Here is my email response, as well
as his article, spiced up with my own witty banter:


Hey Dave,

Thanks for your comments--I really do appreciate the encouragement.
And, yeah, I'm a *little* sarcastic. But hey us "Cowboy Americans"
are kinda known for that...

I thought your article stands up well and makes a hard point
(please note witty puns)...not that *I* masturbate or anything...
no, that would be wrong...

I also inserted a few comments into it below. Enjoy.

If someday I head "down under" maybe I can buy you a
Fosters. Just don't expect me to shake your hand.

Kevin

PS: FYI: I am banned at EzineArticles.com now for submitting
this article:


http://whorechurch.blogspot.com/2005/07/joyce-meyer-supporters-can-go-to-hell.html


More comments on your article inserted below...

> Wanking: The Last Taboo
>
> In today's permissive society there are few taboos left. Teenagers are
> educated in areas of sex that would have shocked and embarrassed many
> married couples in previous centuries. Fantasies are discussed freely; and
> films become more and more explicit. Premarital sex is virtually the norm.
> Homosexuality, S&M, group sex, wife-swapping - all can be freely discussed
> in polite society now. More concern is registered over someone making a
> value judgement against such practices than whether or not someone indulges
> in them.
>
> But one bastion of privacy and shame remains, and that is the subject of
> masturbation. Sperm banks in Australia suffer from a shortage of (paid)
> donors simply because the Australian male is too bashful to face a
> receptionist with evidence in his hand that he actually masturbated.
>


Hey! It's the solution to my carreer problem--I will just move to
Australia and work as a sperm donor.

> Some men find it painful to admit to themselves that they indulge in
> wanking, much less acknowledge such a practice to their friends or even to
> their GP.
>

Here in the states we have "Wanking Booths" at every public
restroom. We are proud of our openness and honesty. You
ought to come here--you'd fit right in.

Just bring your own lotion.

> Paradoxically, masturbation is despised by religious prudes and liberated
> machos alike. Prudes see it as sinful, and machos see it as a sign of
> weakness. Yet both parties practise it.
>
> Here is the ultimate in sexual hypocrisy. All of the arguments used against
> wowserism and double standards in every other area of sexual practice have
> overlooked the number one offender. While "self-abuse" as it used to be
> called, is practised almost universally, it is also done with almost
> universal shame.
>
> It is like the story of The Emperor's New Clothes. We all implicitly support
> the lie that no respectable person would touch themselves "down there" when
> what we really need is for an innocent child to speak the truth and say,
> "Hey look! The emperor is playing with himself!"
>

I did that once--well, it wasn't The Emporer, it was at a 2003 Bush rally.
Did you know the Secret Service carries metal batons? I didn't.

> Many people have found it liberating to be able to speak freely about their
> fantasies, about their sexual preferences, and about other practices which
> were once frowned upon. But how much more liberating it would be if people
> could overcome the dictates of their biological needs when those dictates
> interfere with other goals. And that is exactly what masturbation
> represents. It is the safety valve on the sexual pressure cooker.
> Masturbation stops us from exploding in unacceptable or inappropriate ways.
>

Plus "Ball Explosions" can be really messy.
Kinda like cleaning up raw eggs with a paper towel.

> I spoke about this situation quite frankly with a fellow minister once, in
> an effort to get him to realise the positive side of masturbation. He
> eventually confided to me that in his youth ("Before I became a Christian,
> of course!") he had gone out on a date with a girl that he greatly
> respected. He did not want to scare her off by being too forward, so he
> stopped at a service station and went into the toilet to relieve himself in
> more ways than one. And, of course, it worked.
>

What worked? the bathroom, the stress relief or the...? Oh,
I get it. Nevermind.

> Yet this same minister still teaches boys in his congregation that they are
> guilty of a great sin if they indulge in masturbation. Paedophilia, incest,
> rape, homosexuality, bestiality... all these practices seem to be tolerated
> more by a church which refuses to speak the liberating truth about
> masturbation.
>

Yeah, I think I'll put that on the billboard out front of 1st
Baptist: "This Week's Sermon: The Liberating Truth about
Masturbation."

> The traditional reason given for condemning masturbation within the
> Christian church is that Jesus Christ taught that it was just as bad to
> "look on a woman with lust" as it was to actually commit adultery with her.
> In other words, the thought was as bad as the action. So a teaching
> developed that thinking about sex (which obviously occurs during
> masturbation) is evil, whether you would ever actually indulge in the
> practice you are thinking about or not.
>

I disagree with this understanding of Jesus prohibition as well--me,
I don't think of sex. I think of spoiled produce. (Don't ask.)

> Some tried nobly to suppress all thoughts of sex, only to discover that they
> resurfaced, often in more bizarre forms than they had when first pushed
> underground. In Arab countries where women are covered from head to toe, for
> example, sexual offences still occur. And the same is true of the most
> extreme "holiness" cults.
>

Those Heaven's Gate guys had it right though: Castration.
That's the ticket to curbing the urge. Just create a ball-free
zone. No muss, no fuss, no masturbation.

> Covering women's bodies will not take away the God-given, biological urge to
> have sex. Nor is clothing going to stop the war that rages in the minds of
> people who feel guilty about sex thoughts. Some Amish groups have succeeded
> in stopping all forms of ejaculation for extended periods of time, only to
> develop cancer from the rotting semen inside their sex organs.
>

I need to use that with the wife..."You've got a headache?
Your headache is giving me ball cancer!"

> Others have taken the attitude that, if they are going to fry in hell
> anyway, they may as well get as much pleasure out of this life as they can
> before the final judgement.
>

Makes sense to me.

> So a rule aimed at teaching greater morality has led to greater immorality,
> both from those who have thrown it out as too hard and from those who have
> tried their hardest to follow it.
>

“’Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!’? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.” (Paul, 1st Century Religious Philosopher)

> The mistake is that people confuse "thinking about sex" with "lust". Lust is
> actually wanting to do something that you know is wrong. There are plenty of
> people who lust these days. And it is not limited to matters pertaining to
> sex.
>

Can I masturbate while fantasizing about my wife? Especially that
night we watched Titanic and she had on that little…oops. The point
is this: Can we sin by having an overwhelmingly “strong desire”
(lust) for our spouse?

I don’t think so.

> Let's say, for example, that you like pizza. You don't feel guilty about
> this do you? But if the only way you can get one is to steal it from your
> neighbour, then fulfilling your desire could mean doing something that you
> know is wrong (i.e. stealing). You can desire the pizza all you want, and
> even (if you like, for the fun of it) fantasise about stealing it; but if
> the bottom line is that you would not actually do it (because you know it is
> wrong), then you have not sinned.
>

You didn’t mention what KIND of pizza. I don’t like olives. If
The pizza has olives, I’m not going to lust after it.

Pepperoni and sausage? Now you’re talking’

> But if you would steal it if you could get away with it, and if you held
> back simply because you were afraid of being caught, then you are
> spiritually guilty of the act (robbery) whether or not you ever got up
> enough courage to actually do it. You have "lusted" for the pizza, by
> wanting it more than you want to do what is right. But the pizza (i.e. the
> thing you desired) is not wrong in itself.
>

Too much logical thought. Brain hurts. Must take
pill.

> Applying this to sex, the sin is not in desiring sex (since that is as
> universal as the desire for food), nor is it in fantasising about sex. The
> sin is in wanting to actually perform a sexual act that you know is wrong,
> and then refraining from doing it only out of fear about what people would
> think of you or what they would do to you if they found out.
>
> Being turned on by a rape scene in a movie (or a detailed description of one
> in a book) is not the same as actually wanting to rape someone. And if you
> felt the scene was tempting you to rape someone, then masturbating as a
> result of the fantasy turn-on is the best way to overcome the temptation and
> to stop yourself from indulging in the action in real life.
>

My, you must be one busy guy, Dave.

> Masturbation is the universally legitimate way to satisfy your sexual
> appetite without indulging in something else which may not be legitimate. If
> there was more masturbation, there would be a lot less incest, fewer rapes,
> less infidelity in marriage, etc.
>

What a great support group: Rubs for Rapists. The slogan
could be: “You Don’t Need Incarceration, Just a Hand”

> Instead of trying to stop people from masturbating, the church should be
> encouraging them to do so, thus leaving them free to choose (without the
> overriding pressure of sperm build-up) not to do those things that God has
> forbidden.
>

I agree, but wouldn’t that make the pews all sticky?

> Much of this has relevance to females as well. Many marriages would be
> happier if wives weren't so riddled with feelings of guilt about their own
> need for sex.
>
> There is a popular myth that people cannot live without sex, and it suggests
> that God is unreasonable to expect people to remain faithful in marriage,
> chaste outside of marriage, and single if the first marriage fails. But
> people can live without engaging in sex with another person; and to do so
> does not require some impossible level of discipline.
>

OK, here you’re wrong. Maybe YOU can live without sex,
I can’t. Plus, I lost both hands in a freak slide rule accident
as a child.

> Living without ejaculation is, however, a different story. And because the
> church has fostered the myth that people can, through sheer willpower,
> become asexual, it must take some responsibility for the sexual
> permissiveness, high incidence of divorce and remarriage, and the backlash
> against God that has resulted from this lie in today's world.
>

All kidding aside, I believe the subconscious goal of
much of the institutional church is creating the
asexual male. Get rid of masculinity and you will
ultimately rid yourself of all those ugly man problems.

> In conclusion, we should ask ourselves: Was Jesus fully human? If so, did he
> have wet dreams? (For if you don't masturbate, then sooner or later, the
> semen will come out through "nocturnal emissions".) And if this happened to
> Jesus, would he have had thoughts about sex at the moment of ejaculation?
> The obvious answer is Yes. For ejaculation itself is sex. And if Jesus was
> without sin, then thoughts about sex (and ejaculations outside of marriage)
> must not be any more sinful than eating or going to the toilet. It is only
> cultural brainwashing that has taught us otherwise.


Did you really just mention Jesus’, um, man juice? What are
you, some kind of religious CSI?

Of course it does make the whole idea of “relics” more
interesting: “The True Cross,” “The Spear of Destiny,”
“The Holy Grail,” “The Shroud of Turin” and the
“Nocturnal Emission.” Imagine the testimonies of the
faithful:

“I came here with one leg shorter than the other. I
touched the vial and my short leg grew six inches.”

Or even better:

“I was barren and nine months after I visited ‘Our
Lady of the Holy Ejaculate’ I had a child.”


>
> As a sexually frustrated, religiously uptight youth I used to look forward
> to wet dreams, because it was the one time when I was free to indulge in
> activities and thoughts which were forbidden to me in the daytime. And yet
> even these were marred by the fear that the dream might not be just a dream.
> How much better to consciously choose to fantasise (and masturbate) while
> awake. For me, this became a guilt-free option only when I discovered that
> there was absolutely nothing forbidding it in scripture.
>


Yeah, this one had always puzzled me too. God takes time
to lay out the details of bestiality as well as punishments for
same, but He couldn’t take a line or two to say “Stop Touching
Yourself There!”


> One of the cleverest ways the church has ever found to control the masses
> has been to make masturbation a sin. The consequence has been that the most
> dishonest (i.e. the ones who try to give the impression that they don't
> masturbate) are looked on as being the most holy, while more honest
> believers are made to feel guilty and in need of absolution from the
> hypocrites.
>


Your theory, in a nutshell: The Church controls the masses through
keeping them horny then refusing to give them a hand.


> Anyone interested in a genuine revival of sexual morality and sincere faith
> should consider the possibility that the first step in that direction might
> be to enlighten the masses to their right (and perhaps even their
> responsibility) to masturbate.
>
> At the same time, those who suffer from guilt because of the secular myth
> that real men don't wank need to stand up to that lie as well. The result
> will be a happier, healthier society.
>

I feel better already. Now I need a cigarette.

Clergy Molestation: When Evil Stops Being News

This week another Catholic official—this time in Maui—was arrested for sexually assaulting a young boy, the latest of hundreds of such arrests nationwide in the “Priestofeelya” scandal.

James “Ron” Gonsalves of Wailuku is charged with 32 counts of first-degree sexual assault and 30 counts of third-degree sexual assault.

That puts him up there with the “greats” of molesting priests—62 counts, he must have had a very busy “ministry.”

But here’s the distressing part of this story: It only made the news in Hawaii.

So many priests have molested so many children it has stopped being news. The Pope gets a pass. Once you hit 100 priestly pervs and over $1 billion in settlements, it gets boring.

Same thing happened to Caligula—at some point nothing impresses any more.

“Yeah, we’ve heard that before, the Catholics got problems, now where’s that sports section?”

Maybe that’s the best gauge of how pervasive the “Priestofeelya” scandal really is. It’s just not news any more. Not to the press, not to the Vatican.

Funny, the only people who still seem to care are the victims. C’mon, get over it.

Jessica Simpson Dukes of Hazard Video Controversy and Rev. Joe

Since its release, Jessica Simpson’s new “These Boots Were Made for Walkin’” video has been criticized by Christians as being “too sexy.”

Thankfully, that is not the case.

How do I know? Because Jessica’s manager wouldn’t let her do something obscene, exploiting her body for financial gain. He wouldn’t do that because not only is he her manager, he’s her father, ordained Baptist minister Joe Simpson.

To prove his oversight is keeping her from sexual exploitation, the Simpson camp released the unedited tape of the video shoot. You can clearly see the Most Reverend Joseph Simpson is directing his daughter to make sure her performance was consistent with his deeply held Baptist refined values:

Rev. Joe: Jesse, now what I want you to do at this point is turn your back toward Willie.

Jesse: You mean like this? [Jessica turns away from Willie Nelson]

Rev. Joe: Yeah, honey, only move closer…

closer…

closer…

Jesse: But, dad, I’m like right up against him.

Rev. Joe: I know honey, it’s OK. Now bend over…

Jesse: But I will have my butt right up against his, um, you know…

Rev. Joe: I know, now rub your generous Christian booty up and down against Willie. There you go. Yeah. That’s it. You know how Daddy likes it…

Willie: [Removing his hat and wiping sweat from his forehead] Thanks honey, here’s a $50.

Obviously Pastor Simpson is watching out for his daughter’s spiritual health as well as her career.

Or did he sell his soul for 15% of her Double-D income?

“You must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral....What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?” – I Corinthians 5:11-12

Jessica Simpson takes off her clothes and dances suggestively for men’s sexual arousal. No Jessica, you’re not a Christian.

I’m not convinced your father is either.

Can I get a hand clap?

Ministry Idea: How to Stop Pre-Marital Sex

Jesus had balls.

I mean that literally—he was a guy—but also figuratively. Think about it: He stormed into a temple full of people selling their over-priced bulls, doves and Gospel CD’s at the table in the Lobby and opened up a can of whip-Jew on their booties.

Gotta love that. He went medieval on them before “going medieval” even meant anything.

I would have loved to see Jesus in a cage match. That’s great pay-per-view.

I wonder if today’s ministers could tap into some Holy-Spirit-inspired testosterone? I wonder if being filled with the Spirit could be like spiritual steroids, allowing those pudgy purveyors of truth to build some spiritual pecs? Like Arnold with less groping and more scriptural support.

If you’re one of those “pumping Bible” kinds of ministers, this is for you.

I am going to give you a quick way to stop people in your church from having pre-marital sex—or at least to stop many of them. Before I give you this wonderful solution I need you to consider what’s been tried before:

To stop people from sleeping with each other outside of marriage preachers have tried preaching, abstinence campaigns, movies and seminars. Still little Christian girls and boys continue to rub their naughty parts together.

So here’s the solution—be ready it won’t be easy:

Stop marrying people who aren’t virgins or widows (widowers.)

You see, these folks may not love Jesus enough to abstain, but they still want a church wedding. And they want you to perform it. If you refuse to do the wedding, lots of people will be miffed.

You might get fired (this is where the balls come in handy.)

How will you know whether or not they are virgins? You could ask for a medical exam, but most people would find that a little invasive. Here’s what I propose: Ask them.

Ask them, “Are you both virgins?” If they say yes, then we’re good to go. If not, then simply tell them you only marry virgins. And by the way, “recycled virgins” don’t count.

You might get sued.

What if they lie? If they lie, and you know they are lying, refuse to perform the ceremony. How will you know if they are lying?

If they live together, they’re having sex. If she’s pregnant, they’re having sex. If she’s been on the pill for a year, they’re having sex.

This ain’t advanced hermeneutics Augustine.

Some may protest saying you are denying them marriage. But you’re not. They can go down to the civil authority and for $8 they can get their license AND be married.

No muss, no fuss.

Imagine the impact of all the ministers in just one town agreeing not to marry non-virgins. It would make the national news. It would change the town.

They’d probably all get crucified.

Yup, Jesus sure had some huge brass knockers, that’s for sure.

Single Moms: Stop Abusing Your Kids and Saying You Love Them

Women, try this recipe for happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids:

1. Become a person of Character
2. Carefully choose and court a man of Character
3. Get married
4. Have sex
5. Have children
6. Stay married for the rest of your lives

As opposed to what normally happens today:

1. Meet an attractive person
2. Date
3. Have sex (but not before the 3rd date—that would be slutty)
4. Move in together
5. Break up and move out
6. Repeat steps 1-3 at least 8 times, 1-5 at least twice.
7. Finally meet “Mr. Right”
8. Have sex. Lots of sex.
9. Move in together.
10. Get married so you can have kids
11. Have a kid, maybe two
12. Realize you have married a no-good bum and divorce
13. Work lots of hours at Wal-Mart trying to support your children
14. Complain openly and often about the plight of single moms, prompting your friends to give you tons of self-indulgent pity.
15. Have sex. Lots of sex.
16. Visit your grown children Sunday’s at the prison

Which list above most closely represents your life so far?

The best way to love your kids is to choose a man of character to be their father, then stay married to that man for the rest of your life.

Already screwed that up? Let’s think this through. Here’s a multiple choice question for any single mom:

I am a single mom because (choose one):

A. My husband died an untimely death
B. I was raped and decided to keep the baby.
C. I am a whore—I slept with someone I wasn’t married to and got pregnant. While that doesn’t mean my kid isn’t valuable, it does make me a whore.
D. I divorced my husband—I chose badly and didn’t get what I wanted from the relationship so I selfishly chose divorce over marriage.
E. My husband divorced me—I failed to prove my worth to him as a wife.

You see, there really aren’t too many options.

And if you had to choose something other than “A” or “B”, you’re a pretty selfish piece of work.

So, that addresses your past, but what about now? What about your current situation? What can you do to make your children’s life better?

Repent of your selfishness.

Then marry a man of character.

How do you find a man of character? First you have to be a person of real character yourself. Develop your own character. High quality men tend to marry high quality women.

Become a woman of character and a man of character will find you.

The second thing ought to go without saying. It should, but we have so perverted our culture it probably won’t. So here goes:

Stop having sex.

Don’t sleep with anyone you’re not married to.

You will be amazed how many more men of character will be attracted to you when they find you aren’t a whore. Whore’s are a dime a dozen—even at church. Just about any guy can get some extra-marital excitement with a little effort. Worthless guys won’t have anything to do with you if you aren’t a whore. Worthwhile guys won’t have anything to do with you if you are.

So, mom, you want to say you love your kids? Give them a father of character.

Joyce Meyer Supporters Can Go to Hell

I don’t mean to curse—I’m not being harsh, it’s just a statement of fact.

The Most Reverend Mrs. Meyer is a great promoter, a charismatic speaker (and, no, I don’t mean she delivers her sermons in tongues), and a multi-millionaire.

After years at a $900,000 personal salary (not including $450K annually to David, Meyer’s stay-at-home cuckolded husband), Meyer has been able to attain a luxurious, self-indulgent lifestyle.*

Just imagine being the butch-voiced harbinger of prosperity theology:

You awake in one of your three mansions—paid for at a cost of over $3 million by your loving supporters. You don the latest in designer clothes and are whisked off to the airport by a ministry provided pink limousine to your awaiting ministry-provided personal jet.

Nothing but the best for the Oprah of Faith.

And, after all, why doesn’t she deserve the money? She’s been telling her supporters for years she was living a lavish lifestyle and they should too.

What she failed to tell them was how THEY could receive the $70 million in annual donations Meyer receives.

Like the classic ponzi scheme, Joyce Meyer advocates giving sacrificially to her “ministry.” Where does the money go? To get on more television stations to make more money to get on more television stations to make more money to get on…you get the picture.

Why give? Simple: “Give my ministry $1,000 and God will bring the Hundredfold Return.” $1,000 becomes a $100,000 check from Almighty God’s banker.

I think his name is Hershel. Of course, he’s Jewish.

Gee, that means each year the $70 million given to the “ministry” must result each year in the production of $7 BILLION in wealth for the givers. Lucky devils. It’s like knowing the lottery numbers in advance.

Sign me up.

So why am I not taking Meyer to task? Why is this article pointed at her supporters?

Simple: You’re the problem.

Supporters of Meyer and her kind (Hinn, Copeland, et. al.) simply exploit the basest of human lusts: Greed.

Why do you give to Meyer? You want to get rich. You want to control God. You want to BE Joyce Meyer. Instead of feeling nausea when she claims “The Holy Spirit’s gonna preach today” followed by her pabulum drivel, you’re excited.

How will she help me manipulate God today?

And when she tells you to reach for your pocket book, you do so willingly. You are a willing participant in propagating her malicious gospel of hedonism.

Without financing, she has no Brenda-Vaccaro-ish voice.

But you are not alone in propagating her filth. Radio stations, television stations and bookstores are to blame as well.

Give time and space to Meyer and you are doing more than just making money—you are promoting deception in God’s Kingdom.

So you can go to hell, too.

The other day I was walking through Wal-Mart’s book isle (not sure why we need Wal-Mart to sell books, but interestingly enough they do.) There, on the shelf, was a book entitled “Things that Steal Your Joy.” On the cover was a huge head-shot of Joyce Meyer.

My only thought was, “How could they know?”

(* http://www.trinintyfi.org/press/JoyceMeyer6.html )

An Open Letter to Pope Benedict

Dear Ratzy,

I have a good solution to the clergy abuse scandal rocking your church.

Give them professional level sexual satisfaction for free.

It wouldn’t have to be a big deal, just hire a few monastic courtesans, skilled in the art of priestly fulfillment. You would only need one for every 20 or so priests, along with a nice little “confessional” complete with glory hole.

You could create a liturgy for the sessions and it could begin something like this:

“Release me Sister for I am tense. It has been four days since my last emanation.”

Sister Candi could then assign the proper penance.

I’ve even thought through the financial aspects of this.

The Great Cincinnati Archdiocese alone just paid a $120 million settlement to abuse victims. Since there are about 500 priests in the Cincinnati area, that works out to $240,000 per priest.

Ouch! Hope those relics do well at Christy’s.

My solution would be much more economical—25 or so “servants” at $50,000 per year each would only take up $1.25 million per year—less than the interest on the $120 mil you just forked over.

Consider how much this would help the church.

I’m sure you will have some argue this is sin. Well, isn’t that why you invented the indulgence? You’ve got the power, use it! You’re the guy with the scepter.

Or you could try a second option:

JUST LET PRIESTS GET MARRIED.

The choice is yours, O Vicar of Christ.

The Pope Hates Potter—Both of Them

This month a court in Burlington, Kentucky issued the largest settlement to date against the Catholic Church in the “Priestofeelya” scandal.

Judge John Potter ruled in favor of the victims against the church to the tune of $120 million dollars (place pinky to corner of mouth.)

On such an infamous and history making day, there was little doubt the Vatican would issue a statement. That’s why no one was particularly surprised when Pope Benedict came out using the strongest language from the Vatican in some time denouncing Potter.

Harry Potter.

OK, in his defense, the guy with the Big White Hat is rather age-ed. Already beat the “three score and ten” often quoted from the Psalms. Possibly he meant to denounce JOHN Potter and simply had a senior moment. Certainly the Vatican did not allow this precedent setting commentary on their policies go without comment.

I guess the “Holy See” just doesn’t “see” it. (Clever pun quota met for today.)

According to Ratzinger, reading about some four-eyed-son-of-a-witch is much more harmful than a confessional fondling by Father Nutsinhander. Surely these youngsters were asking to be fondled, what with their bambi-like eyes, impish naiveté and round buttocks, playfully hidden beneath the folds of an alter-boy dress.

What sexually repressed, hard on in a penguin suit could resist asking them to visit his Rectory?

Catholics should begin addressing the real source of the sexual abuse scandal—stop reporting abuse. It worked for 50 years, it will work for 50 more.

The Heroic Battle Between the Forces of Good and the Demon of Anti-Access

Saturday I was hangin’ ten on my Dell when I ran across a Christian Forum. Not just any Christian forum, THE Christian Forum. How did I know? It said so: ChristianForum.com.

I looked at a couple of the posts and thought it might be cool to sing a few lines of “Pass It On” while holding cyber-hands with my bros around the warm glow of a CRT. Just like camp.

Kinda made me misty…

So I checked out the registration and applied. Being the self-promoter I am, I chose “WhoreChurchcom” as my user name. Couple of extra visitors can’t hurt, huh?

So I hit submit expecting to be ushered into the stained glass chat rooms of cyberdom.

Drats! they have to approve me first. Just when I was ready to test my speedy typing skills.

My hunger for fellowship still burning in my gut, I fire up Google and search for “Christian Forums”. Sure ‘nuff, there’s quite a few out there. I settled on one and clicked.

With blazing T1 speed, I was propelled to the hallowed halls of CrossWalk.com.

I quickly located the registration form and entered my information. With no little amount of anxiety I hit “submit”, hoping against all hope that no moderator had to approve my admission, denying me precious moments of blessed fellowship.

Hallelujah! All I had to do was confirm my email address and I was in! A few moments and I was there: In The Cyber Cathedral with Hundreds, nay Millions of my Fellows.

A topic caught my eye: “Walking in Truth.” I read with great anticipation my Brother’s thoughtful post. Did I have a word of encouragement? Correction? Addition? My fingers, Matrix-like, became a blur over the keyboard. First one post, then two.

I was in the Holy-Spirit-Helpin’-Zone.

Within a few moments I had helped five of my fellow pilgrims. Spent, I collapsed in my chair. Emotionally drained yet strangely fulfilled. I was a part of The Body.

Needing sustenance, I used the last of my strength to stumble to the refrigerator where I passed out. I heard an angel saying, “Get up, the journey is too much for you,” placing a Diet Coke in my weakened hand and one of my wife’s oatmeal cookies in my mouth.

Strengthened by the Angel Food, I returned to my chair. Had another caring soul responded to my posts? Is there a word of encouragement for me? A “Thank You” from someone whom I just saved from a life of error?

Access Denied.

What? Certainly this is a glitch. I tried logging in again…Access Denied. Possibly this must be a Demonic Attack spawned of the Evil One. Access Denied. Fowl Spawn from Earth’s Bowels, I will not be defeated! You will not deny me access!

I logged in again. Again the screen taunted me: Access Denied. Demon of Anti-Access I rebuke you in the Name of Jesus!

Still the 17” Diagonal Imp taunted me: Access Denied!

Wait! How silly of me. Certainly in my euphoric fatigue I had forgotten the password. This was no demon, it was simply my humanity.

I clicked over to email—and that’s when it happened. No, it cannot be. But yes, it had.

Ben, Moderator of the Cross-Walk, notified me. I had violated rule 20 and been banned from the forum.

Rule 20? Had I in my human weakness progressed far beyond the 10 Commandments and transgressed not rule 11 or even rule 18, but the hallowed “Rule 20”.

Crushed I wandered into bed. “Been having fun on the computer, honey?” my wife inquired. Without reply I rolled over and sobbed myself to sleep.

Why WhoreChurch.com?

Using a name like WhoreChurch.com is certainly offensive. It’s also fully Biblical.

Right now there is a war raging—it’s the same war that has been raging for 2,000 years. The war is between the One True Church and the Pretender Church.

Everyone who is a Christian is a part of the One True Church, no matter what building they choose to meet with others. These people love Jesus with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. They love one another.

The Pretender Church is everyone who claims to be a part of the True Church, but in reality are not Christians. Since many of them believe they ARE Christians, these folks are sometimes hard to weed out.

In Revelation God calls this “Pretender Church” the “Whore of Babylon” (see Revelation 17.)

Jesus gave us a great way to get rid of the non-Believers who seemingly follow Him—offend them. This is what He was trying to accomplish in John 6.

The chapter opens with Jesus feeding 5,000 people. Then He walks on water. I don’t know about you, but I’d pay real money to see that.

That’s better than Copperfield’s Vegas show any day.

But that’s the problem: Following Jesus around was entertaining. And it was free—or relatively so. Lots of people came to see the show. By all outward appearances they were believers—people who followed Jesus around to see what color rabbit came out of his toga next.

So He did something almost no one today is willing to do: He told the so-called followers something completely offensive:

“Jesus said to them, ‘I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.’” (John 6:53-54, NIV)

Now in our modern-day, heard about Jesus already world, we think “Hey, Jesus is speaking figuratively.” But His listeners at the time didn’t think so—they thought he had gone all “Jim Jones Kool-Aid” on them.

So they all left.

At least almost all of them. There were just a few left. Scholars don’t have a specific number, but we know “The Dirty Dozen” stuck around. Why did they stay? Peter summarized it in verses 68-69:

“Simon Peter answered him, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.’"

They didn’t get the whole cannibalism thing, but they KNEW, TRUSTED and BELIEVED in Jesus. They just followed.

WhoreChurch.com—Biblical and offensive. Knee jerk posers will leave in a huff. A few real Christians will hang around and talk. They may not agree with me, but at least we can sharpen one another. I’m still pretty dull.

Hey, that works on two levels!

Occult Christians: The New Face of the Occult

Occult tricks, spells and methods are the newest rage—and you’re likely to encounter them at your local church.

In traditional occult practices it works something like this:

You want to get rich, I give you an incantation to repeat day after day to bring wealth to you.

Wonder about your future? Go to a séance and ask.

In today’s Christianity the incantation is replaced by “the prayer of Jabez.” The séance with a “personal prophecy” session.

New wrapper, same old occult practices.

“Now wait a minute,” someone will argue, “prayer is encouraged in the Bible. Heck the prayer of Jabez is right out of the scripture. And didn’t people in the Bible get personal prophecy?”

Well, let’s consider those points.

While the prayer of Jabez is recorded in I Chronicles 4:10, it was never a best seller, oft repeated by millions of Jabez’ followers. In fact, it appears to have been the single cry of Jabez’ heart, once, to God and God honored that prayer.

The problem is not with the fact of Jabez prayer, it’s the contemporary implementation—as a magic incantation to bring you anything you want in life. It’s as if we are treated God like some impersonal, unconscious force able to be manipulated by repeating sounds over and over again.

That doesn’t sound much like a loving, personal father. A father who loves His children.


“My Friends all Prayed the Prayer of Jabez and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt.”


Personal prophecy goes down the same path.

For the uninitiated, “personal prophecy” grew out of the prophetic movement among neo-charismatic and Pentecostals. Basically an individual makes an appointment with a “prophet,” they get together, the prophet goes into a trance-like, uh, I mean “prayerful” state and “hears from God” personal messages just for the individual.

While I’m sure there’s no set fee schedule, I suspect there’s an opportunity to “donate” to the prophet’s “ministry as well.

No question that God has done the personal prophecy gig. In the Old Testament we have several instances where God sent one of the Hair Shirt brethren to a king or someone else important to God’s purposes.

But that’s the real difference, isn’t it? God did the initiating and speaking, we just do the listening.

Personal prophecy works on three assumptions:

1. God has something to tell me.
2. God won’t or can’t tell me directly, nor has He even told me He has a message for me.
3. God wants me to find the “Prophet” and “The Prophet” will give me the insight from God.

This is the exact opposite of God’s word:

“As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.” – I John 2:27

I think both of these practices spring from a basic lack of faith. We simply don’t think God is either willing or able to bless us in our present state. He can’t speak to us. His will is somehow hidden and obscure.

Incantations put us in control. We can control whether or not we are blessed. Personal prophecy is the same way: We want a word from God and we want it now.

If that’s the god you worship, you can keep him.

John Paul II a Saint? Not by God’s Definition

Pope John Paul is dead and awaiting hell. There, I’ve said it. Someone had to.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think John Paul was secretly fondling young boys or bathing in pig’s blood.

From all I understand, the Big-P was a caring, loving, self-sacrificing, passionate-for-his-faith-kind-of-guy. It seems everybody loved him.

He’s still waiting his place in line for the pitch-fork brigade.

I’m not an anti-catholic bigot, nor do I have a problem with pointy white hats. And I really don’t care if the Catholics want to make John Paul their Exalted Saint Poobah. They can even do it using the express lane. 10 halos or less, no waiting.

That doesn’t concern me.

What concerns me is the response of protestant leaders following his death. Here are some of the quotes left after his passing:

"He was truly one of those rare individuals whose legacy will endure long after he has gone."
Evangelist Billy Graham

"John Paul II has been the most beloved religious leader of our age….[He] brought together all Christians in new bonds of understanding."
Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson

"I think history will record Pope John Paul II as one of the most significant, historic figures of the 20th century."
Richard Land, president of the Southern Baptist Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission

"His major legacy to Christians…was the pope's commitment to the incarnate Jesus Christ."
The Rev. Robert Schuller, pastor of the Crystal Cathedral and host of the "Hour of Power" television program

"His vision, his determination, and his loving spirit will be missed by Christians around the world."
Chuck Colson, founder and president of Prison Fellowship

"John Paul II presented evangelicals with a pope in whom we found amazing ground of agreement…we have great admiration for the man."
R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary

(http://www.beliefnet.com/story/164/story_16408_1.html)

Did you notice something about the quotes? They all come from well-known evangelical leaders. People you would think understand the faith that brings salvation.

Yet all of them have seemed to miss something—the Pope was a great guy, a great statesman, a caring, compassionate leader, but he wasn’t a Christian.

Wouldn’t you think Billy Graham would have caught that little fact?

Either by intention or accident, the Catholic Church has perpetrated a tremendous shift in protestant Christianity over the last 60 years. While Catholic theology of salvation has not changed, mainline protestant leaders have seemingly lost sight of their own theology.

In Catholic teaching salvation comes through the sacraments of the church and the works of man. The grace of Jesus Christ and Mary, the Mother of God, are extended to individuals through these means. The sacraments of the church include baptism, the Eucharist and confession.

(http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_savd.htm#rcc, http://www.ewtn.com/faith/teachings/marya2.htm)

The Pope not only accepted these beliefs, he sought to advance them, even worshipping Mary at the 150th anniversary of the introduction of the dogma of the immaculate conception [of Mary] (http://www.catholic.org/featured/headline.php?ID=1238).

Certainly a theologian like President Mohler would have seen this as apostacy?

But, alas, either in a desire to accommodate the current culture or because they truly believe that John Paul was a Christian, no one seems to speak the truth.

Saying the Pope isn’t saved today is like calling a black person “the n word.” “You bigot. Catholics are good people, how dare you be so prejudiced.”

I agree. Catholics, most notably the late-great JP2, ARE good people. So are Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Buddhists, Muslims and not a few Scientologists.

They just aren’t going to heaven.

The evangelical movement has been seduced into a subtle yet profound change in salvation theology. So subtle it has gone almost unnoticed—though the impact is massive. The protestant church has accepted “Profession Christianity.”

Profession Christianity works like this: If someone says they are a Christian, you take their word for it. Especially if they publicly act in a moral and upright manner.

So if the Pope says he is a Christian, case closed. He must be. No tough questions about his theology.

The effect of watered-down Christianity is so overwhelming many people now also accept another one-dimensional definition: Testimony Christianity.

In the 50’s your “Christian testimony” was not what you SAID about your faith, it was how you lived. So, if you had a testimony it meant you lived a good moral life. Today living a good moral life (at least as far as anyone can see) means you MUST be a Christian.

But neither of those represent a Biblical definition of Christianity. The Bible is pretty clear (here’s the Reader’s Digest version—don’t write me with some 20 page correction, that’s not the point of this article):

One must trust Jesus Christ alone for their salvation (Acts 4:12). Then, through Spirit enabled obedience to Christ, that person will grow in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control (Galatians 5:22).

They have a profession (“I’m trusting Jesus Christ alone for my salvation”) as well as a testimony (“My life is growing in the fruit of the Holy Spirit.”) If someone is trusting in someone other than Jesus Christ—even their own works—then they aren’t saved no matter how moral and self-sacrificing they are. (Think Mother Teresa mining Satan’s coal.)

At the same time, someone who says they are trusting in Jesus Christ alone for their salvation but still treats their wife like muck isn’t a Christian either.

The Catholic system is fatally flawed. There may be some Christians in the Catholic church—those people who have grasped the few good things and avoided the confessional, the rosary and the so-called “grace of Mary”—but Popes and priests are pretty much out to lunch.

So, Pope John Paul II may be made a saint by his church, but he’ll never be one.

Me? I already am.